Do you have those friends who come to you with their problems all the time and you pour your heart out only to find that they are right back in the same toxic relationship? You answer the phone in the middle of the night. You talk for hours. You talk day-in and day-out and then they take all of your advice, wipe their butt with it and go right back to their terrible relationship. Sometimes when they go back the toxic lover makes them cut you off for a while.
What should you do about? You have to live what you preach. You keep telling them not to go back to someone who keeps doing the same thing over and over again; but you keep going back to them and letting them drain you over and over again.
Them talking about it with you is giving them the illusion that they are doing something about it. They begin to feel that talking about it is “action.” They talk about it and think that because you listened, they fixed the problem. Then they go back and find out that nothing has changed.
Here’s what I’d do for my friend. I’ll pour my heart out about three times. After I’ve poured my heart out three times, I can’t keep doing it if no changes are being made.
I will tell my “friend:” Look, I love you and all but I don’t have the time or the breath to keep wasting on your toxic relationship that you refuse to leave. We can be friends but you will need to hire a relationship coach so that as you’re wasting your time you will feel it because you’ll be wasting your money. I’m guessing that if the toxic relationship is causing you to go broke and lose friends then maybe you’ll realize how toxic this relationship is and find the strength to leave.
Then you have to stick to it. When your friend wants to bring up the toxic relationship you have to stop them right there and let them know that you love them but you don’t want to hear about it. If they see that you as a close friend think it’s so ridiculous that you don’t even want to hear about it then it may help them leave. But if you reinforce your friend by always being there then you’re not being a real friend. Sometimes “helping” becomes “hindering.”
You have to demonstrate to your friend what a toxic relationship does to us when we stay in it. We lose everything. We lose our mind. We lose our money. We lose our friends. If you help create that loss by removing yourself from the situation and let them know you’re doing it out of love, it may get through to them.
What if you’re the friend in the toxic relationship? You need to know that your close friends and family only want the best for you. No one is jealous of you. No one is jealous of you being cheated on, beat on, lied to, used, manipulated or whatever else is going on. Everyone around you wants to see you do better. They know you can do better. They just are hoping that you can see yourself the way they do.
Take a chance and listen to your close friends and family. Love shouldn’t hurt you. Love shouldn’t drain you. Love shouldn’t isolate you from those you love. You have to open your eyes to the signs and be willing to make changes. If you don’t you will end up on an island where no one can hear your screams when you need them the most.
Stop talking your friends to death about that dead end relationship and make the changes you know you need to make!
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