Don’t hold on to the pain…

Allow the pain to serve a purpose in your life. If you hold on to the pain it will ruin you. You will block your blessings. You will hate people who deserve to be loved. You will ruin friendships. You will burn bridges in every area of your life. You will isolate yourself.

Do not be the victim for too long. Be the victor. You have victory over everything in your life that tried to ruin you. If you are breathing, you are blessed. Count your blessings, not your problems. Many people would trade places with you today. Realize how blessed you are and how far you have come. As hard as it is to forgive, you have to find it in your heart to do so. Do not allow the world to beat you up. If you hold on to the hate it will consume you and they will go on with their life as if nothing ever happened. Do not carry their burden. Free yourself with forgiveness. Humans hurt people, it’s a part of life. We will hurt people just as we have been hurt by others. There must be a cycle of forgiveness for the world to function without us destroying ourselves.

Today, release the hate and the pain. Free yourself and live a fulfilling life. Do not let the pain hold you prisoner another day.

Blessings,

Tony G.

Don’t let a friend be an enemy…

There will be times in your life that you know you need to grow or change. You’ll hit walls that wake you up and send you on a path of gaining new knowledge. Those are very important times. It’s in those times that the people closest to you can work against you. They will try to get you to remain the same. They will put stumbling blocks in your way. They will criticize you and treat you differently with the hopes that it will make you stop pursuing a better you.

In those times you have to be the umpire and call it like you see it. You have to sit them down and tell them what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. You also have to tell them how they are hindering you and let them know that you see it clearly. You have to call out their insecurity, jealousy, or self-hate. You have to put it on front street and keep it real with them because it’ll make them better too. Don’t ever let an enemy sit next to you disguised as a friend. And don’t ever stop getting better because it’s making others uncomfortable.

Greatness is the only option. Don’t let anyone stop you from growing into the person you’re supposed to be.

Blessings,

Tony G.

Don’t play with a broken heart…

It’s hard to go through life and not be bruised and battered. We can suffer in so many ways. Most people had to pick their poison at a very young age. There is so much pain in so many people. The pain gets worse when a hurt person tries to love another hurt person. We hurt in different ways and we respond to the pain in different ways. There are some innocent hurting people who just want love. There are some innocent hurt people who just want revenge; and they’re willing to take it out on anyone in their path.

Be careful when loving a damaged person. It’s OK to try to love someone but make sure you don’t lose yourself in the process. If they aren’t ready for love then you have to be willing to walk away. If they don’t want to healed or even want to be helped, then you have to help yourself. You can’t save everybody and you can’t change anybody. You have to love as if you’ve never been hurt before and if that’s not good enough for them, you have to walk away. Don’t feel like you’re abandoning them. You’re just not the person meant to help them. Someone else will come along. We all hurt in different ways and we all have someone in this world who can help us heal. Know who is for you and be willing to let go of someone who isn’t. If you don’t have anyone, God’s grace is sufficient. His love is the ultimate love and will be the love that heals your heart. He may or may not use another person to help. Trust the process.

Don’t play with a broken heart. Don’t play with theirs and don’t play with yours. Someone can get hurt very badly because brokenness can be unforgiving at times. Be willing to let go of the past and heal the pain. Be willing to give love and allow love. It’s enough pain in the world already. Be the cure not the cause.

Blessings,

Tony Gaskins Jr.

Be willing to walk alone…

There will be times in your life that you’ll have to walk alone. There are some places that no one else can go with you. These are the growth spaces in your life that you have to go in order to grow. Most of the time your growth will be alone. When you don’t need people that’s usually when they are there for you. When you really need help many of those people won’t be there. It’s in those times that you must learn and grow.

Before your breakthrough you’ll go through a drought. The drought is to sweat everyone out. Those who aren’t supposed to enter into your best season with you will fall off in the drought. If you don’t know the purpose of the drought you’ll be upset with them. In the drought is also where you discover who you are and why you’re here. You will map out a new plan for life and how you should live your life moving forward. It’s the tough times that build your character so you don’t lose yourself in the good times. If you’re given everything before you’re ready to receive it, it will kill you. We’ve seen money, fame, or success kill many people. Appreciate the tough times just like you’d appreciate the good times. Smile all the way through it. Laugh in the face of adversity. When bad gets even worse, don’t lose faith. All of this is working together for your good. You’re being pruned and then you’ll be groomed. Embrace this season in your life and know that it’s for a reason.

On the other side of your drought the blessings will be overflowing. Those who fell off will try to come back but you’ll know to keep them at a distance and love them from there. Let the natural occur and keep going!! It’s working together for your good.

Blessings,

Tony G.

Love isn’t war

We’ve been lied to for a long time about love. We’ve come to the point that we think fighting, arguing, infidelity, and mind games are a part of love. It may be a part of the relationship you’re in, but it has nothing to do with love.

Love should be between two mature adults who want the best for one another. Love is selfless not selfish. Love gives instead of taking. Love is understanding and compassionate. Love may compromise some likes and preferences, but never does it compromise morals and values.

Make sure the person in your life wants to be with you. If you have to wonder about their love, it may not exist. Don’t get caught up in a daily struggle trying to keep someone in your life. Don’t lose yourself trying to keep someone else. Don’t lower your standards to accommodate their self-hate.

If you’ve found yourself in a war and calling it love, it’s time to rethink some things.

Blessings,

Tony G.

Upcoming events:

Atlanta 4/2/17

Houston 4/8/17

Memphis 5/6/17

Should you go back to someone who left you?

Reader submitted question to inbox@tonygaskins.com:

I received a question from a young lady who was left by the father of her children. She wanted to know if she should go back to him and try to work it out once she’s done working on herself.

I couldn’t imagine the pain you may be going through raising kids alone. I know it’s not easy and many days you probably feel lost and lonely. Sure, millions have found a way to be a single parent just fine, but that’s not the case for everyone.

I can’t tell anyone what to do with their life but I do want to speak from a man’s perspective on what’s going through a man’s mind when he leaves…

1. Love doesn’t leave:

You have to understand that when a relationship is filled with real love, leaving isn’t an option. Real love stands, fights and gets stronger. When a person has to leave to protect themselves it’s because there’s not enough love in the relationship. In that case love isn’t leaving, self love is just standing up for itself. So if a person leaves you it’s for a reason that is valid in their mind and you may never understand it.

2. When a man leaves, he’s done:

Men are not like women, at all. Men are very straight forward in their decisions. When a man leaves you, he’s done with you. He has weighed his options and the consequences and when he leaves, he’s sure. Sure, there are exceptions to every rule but most of the time this is how it is. If he leaves and then you chase him, you’re setting yourself up to be hurt.

3. If he leaves you, he’s not yours:

If a man leaves you, he doesn’t want you and you don’t need him. It’s a man’s job to help heal your heart. It’s a man’s job to protect and provide. A real man knows that women are preyed on in this world and he understands that it’s his love that can bring you back to your normal self. A man’s love should be so strong that it erases your feelings for anyone before him. That’s the way the heart works when real love is present. If a man leaves you that means he doesn’t see you as someone worth his efforts to help heal your heart. He doesn’t see you as the one to sweat and toil in the field of love for. He sees other options that seem a little more fitting for him or he just doesn’t feel that he is the one who can help you heal. It’s not always that he’s a weak man or less than a man. Sometimes he’s just not the man for you. It doesn’t make him or you any less of a person.

4. If you chase him, he will run:

It’s human physics. You have to let a man pursue you. If you chase him, you relinquish all your power and you give him an opportunity to play you for the fool. Remember it’s the man who pursues the woman, courts the woman, and then gets on one knee to ask for permission to love you for the rest of your life. It’s that way for a reason. We are made differently and it’s of great importance to know that a man wants you before you let him know you want him.

5. Never hit rewind in life:

Life is meant to be lived moving forward. Never hit rewind. You may hit pause to gather yourself but after that you need to hit play. If you go backwards in life, you’re going the wrong way. Everything happens for a reason. If a man leaves you and he wants you back he will hit fast forward and catch up to you. Don’t go backwards.

Those are just a few reasons on why it may not be a good idea to go back to a man who left you. Please note there are exceptions to all rules but in those cases it will be clear to you that it’s real love. It will sweep you off your feet. It will remove all doubt from your mind. It won’t be a struggle or a fight. It will happen naturally and it will feel right. If it doesn’t remove all doubt and flow smoothly then it’s probably not meant to be!

To the fellas who are the good guys and you left a woman to protect yourself, this doesn’t apply to you so get out of your feelings this very moment. I don’t want to hear your mouth about “what about the good men?” We know you are out there but this isn’t about you. Yes, I understand that sometimes men leave a woman for reasons other than just wanting to be with a different woman. What’s understood doesn’t need to be explained.

I hope this helps those who are going through this.

Blessings,

Tony G.

How to get over someone…

You can’t prepare for your next if you’re still focused on your ex.

Reader submitted question:

It’s always tough getting over someone. Sometimes we make it harder than it has to be. It’s hard because we form a bond and although it can be a toxic bond, a bond is still a bond. It’s important to know when it’s time to let go 100%. When you know it’s time to go you have to leave and not be willing to look back.

Here are some things you can do when trying to get over someone…

1. Cut All Communication

You have to stop texting, calling, and social media stalking. You can’t get over someone if you’re randomly texting one another about things that aren’t business related. By business related I mean an actual business or your children. If you’re texting and arguing back and forth with your ex then you’ll never get over them.

You also have to block them on social media. You can’t move forward if you’re checking their posts every day. Each time you come across them online or anywhere else it will strengthen the tie you’re trying to break.

2. Cut off mutual friends and their family for a period of time

You can’t move on if you’re talking about your ex with their friends or family members. They may be specifically checking in with you just so they can let your ex know how you’re doing. I know you may love their mom or siblings but if you’re serious about getting over your ex, you have to separate yourself from their family and friends until you have the strength to be cordial without feelings being involved.

Honestly, when you break up with someone you have to break up with their friends and family as well. Your next partner won’t be ok with you being besties with the friends and family members of your ex. It’s a hard pill to swallow but it will help you.

3. Get New Knowledge

While you’re trying to heal and grow you have to feed your mind new information. Go to seminars. Take online courses. Read books. You have to wash your mind of all the old junk you’ve learned about love and relationships. You have to learn what real love is and what a real relationship is.

4. Work on yourself

While you’re healing make sure you are working on your brand. Start your blog. Start your company. Start your non-profit org. Get back in school so you can advance in your career. Jump out there and live your dreams.

Those are just a few helpful tips to help you heal from a break-up and get over your ex completely. If you have to deal with them, keep it short and sweet, and only about the necessary topics like the kids or business matters.

If it gets too serious or dangerous you may have to do more like moving, changing churches, or jobs if you have those things in common with your ex. It all depends on how serious the relationship was and how bad you want to get over them.

Blessings,

Tony G.

*Make sure you subscribe to the blog so you’re updated each day when I release another one. If you know someone in need, please share this with them. Also, submit your question to inbox@tonygaskins.com