Don’t play with a broken heart…

It’s hard to go through life and not be bruised and battered. We can suffer in so many ways. Most people had to pick their poison at a very young age. There is so much pain in so many people. The pain gets worse when a hurt person tries to love another hurt person. We hurt in different ways and we respond to the pain in different ways. There are some innocent hurting people who just want love. There are some innocent hurt people who just want revenge; and they’re willing to take it out on anyone in their path.

Be careful when loving a damaged person. It’s OK to try to love someone but make sure you don’t lose yourself in the process. If they aren’t ready for love then you have to be willing to walk away. If they don’t want to healed or even want to be helped, then you have to help yourself. You can’t save everybody and you can’t change anybody. You have to love as if you’ve never been hurt before and if that’s not good enough for them, you have to walk away. Don’t feel like you’re abandoning them. You’re just not the person meant to help them. Someone else will come along. We all hurt in different ways and we all have someone in this world who can help us heal. Know who is for you and be willing to let go of someone who isn’t. If you don’t have anyone, God’s grace is sufficient. His love is the ultimate love and will be the love that heals your heart. He may or may not use another person to help. Trust the process.

Don’t play with a broken heart. Don’t play with theirs and don’t play with yours. Someone can get hurt very badly because brokenness can be unforgiving at times. Be willing to let go of the past and heal the pain. Be willing to give love and allow love. It’s enough pain in the world already. Be the cure not the cause.

Blessings,

Tony Gaskins Jr.

Love isn’t war

We’ve been lied to for a long time about love. We’ve come to the point that we think fighting, arguing, infidelity, and mind games are a part of love. It may be a part of the relationship you’re in, but it has nothing to do with love.

Love should be between two mature adults who want the best for one another. Love is selfless not selfish. Love gives instead of taking. Love is understanding and compassionate. Love may compromise some likes and preferences, but never does it compromise morals and values.

Make sure the person in your life wants to be with you. If you have to wonder about their love, it may not exist. Don’t get caught up in a daily struggle trying to keep someone in your life. Don’t lose yourself trying to keep someone else. Don’t lower your standards to accommodate their self-hate.

If you’ve found yourself in a war and calling it love, it’s time to rethink some things.

Blessings,

Tony G.

Upcoming events:

Atlanta 4/2/17

Houston 4/8/17

Memphis 5/6/17

Should you go back to someone who left you?

Reader submitted question to inbox@tonygaskins.com:

I received a question from a young lady who was left by the father of her children. She wanted to know if she should go back to him and try to work it out once she’s done working on herself.

I couldn’t imagine the pain you may be going through raising kids alone. I know it’s not easy and many days you probably feel lost and lonely. Sure, millions have found a way to be a single parent just fine, but that’s not the case for everyone.

I can’t tell anyone what to do with their life but I do want to speak from a man’s perspective on what’s going through a man’s mind when he leaves…

1. Love doesn’t leave:

You have to understand that when a relationship is filled with real love, leaving isn’t an option. Real love stands, fights and gets stronger. When a person has to leave to protect themselves it’s because there’s not enough love in the relationship. In that case love isn’t leaving, self love is just standing up for itself. So if a person leaves you it’s for a reason that is valid in their mind and you may never understand it.

2. When a man leaves, he’s done:

Men are not like women, at all. Men are very straight forward in their decisions. When a man leaves you, he’s done with you. He has weighed his options and the consequences and when he leaves, he’s sure. Sure, there are exceptions to every rule but most of the time this is how it is. If he leaves and then you chase him, you’re setting yourself up to be hurt.

3. If he leaves you, he’s not yours:

If a man leaves you, he doesn’t want you and you don’t need him. It’s a man’s job to help heal your heart. It’s a man’s job to protect and provide. A real man knows that women are preyed on in this world and he understands that it’s his love that can bring you back to your normal self. A man’s love should be so strong that it erases your feelings for anyone before him. That’s the way the heart works when real love is present. If a man leaves you that means he doesn’t see you as someone worth his efforts to help heal your heart. He doesn’t see you as the one to sweat and toil in the field of love for. He sees other options that seem a little more fitting for him or he just doesn’t feel that he is the one who can help you heal. It’s not always that he’s a weak man or less than a man. Sometimes he’s just not the man for you. It doesn’t make him or you any less of a person.

4. If you chase him, he will run:

It’s human physics. You have to let a man pursue you. If you chase him, you relinquish all your power and you give him an opportunity to play you for the fool. Remember it’s the man who pursues the woman, courts the woman, and then gets on one knee to ask for permission to love you for the rest of your life. It’s that way for a reason. We are made differently and it’s of great importance to know that a man wants you before you let him know you want him.

5. Never hit rewind in life:

Life is meant to be lived moving forward. Never hit rewind. You may hit pause to gather yourself but after that you need to hit play. If you go backwards in life, you’re going the wrong way. Everything happens for a reason. If a man leaves you and he wants you back he will hit fast forward and catch up to you. Don’t go backwards.

Those are just a few reasons on why it may not be a good idea to go back to a man who left you. Please note there are exceptions to all rules but in those cases it will be clear to you that it’s real love. It will sweep you off your feet. It will remove all doubt from your mind. It won’t be a struggle or a fight. It will happen naturally and it will feel right. If it doesn’t remove all doubt and flow smoothly then it’s probably not meant to be!

To the fellas who are the good guys and you left a woman to protect yourself, this doesn’t apply to you so get out of your feelings this very moment. I don’t want to hear your mouth about “what about the good men?” We know you are out there but this isn’t about you. Yes, I understand that sometimes men leave a woman for reasons other than just wanting to be with a different woman. What’s understood doesn’t need to be explained.

I hope this helps those who are going through this.

Blessings,

Tony G.

How to get over someone…

You can’t prepare for your next if you’re still focused on your ex.

Reader submitted question:

It’s always tough getting over someone. Sometimes we make it harder than it has to be. It’s hard because we form a bond and although it can be a toxic bond, a bond is still a bond. It’s important to know when it’s time to let go 100%. When you know it’s time to go you have to leave and not be willing to look back.

Here are some things you can do when trying to get over someone…

1. Cut All Communication

You have to stop texting, calling, and social media stalking. You can’t get over someone if you’re randomly texting one another about things that aren’t business related. By business related I mean an actual business or your children. If you’re texting and arguing back and forth with your ex then you’ll never get over them.

You also have to block them on social media. You can’t move forward if you’re checking their posts every day. Each time you come across them online or anywhere else it will strengthen the tie you’re trying to break.

2. Cut off mutual friends and their family for a period of time

You can’t move on if you’re talking about your ex with their friends or family members. They may be specifically checking in with you just so they can let your ex know how you’re doing. I know you may love their mom or siblings but if you’re serious about getting over your ex, you have to separate yourself from their family and friends until you have the strength to be cordial without feelings being involved.

Honestly, when you break up with someone you have to break up with their friends and family as well. Your next partner won’t be ok with you being besties with the friends and family members of your ex. It’s a hard pill to swallow but it will help you.

3. Get New Knowledge

While you’re trying to heal and grow you have to feed your mind new information. Go to seminars. Take online courses. Read books. You have to wash your mind of all the old junk you’ve learned about love and relationships. You have to learn what real love is and what a real relationship is.

4. Work on yourself

While you’re healing make sure you are working on your brand. Start your blog. Start your company. Start your non-profit org. Get back in school so you can advance in your career. Jump out there and live your dreams.

Those are just a few helpful tips to help you heal from a break-up and get over your ex completely. If you have to deal with them, keep it short and sweet, and only about the necessary topics like the kids or business matters.

If it gets too serious or dangerous you may have to do more like moving, changing churches, or jobs if you have those things in common with your ex. It all depends on how serious the relationship was and how bad you want to get over them.

Blessings,

Tony G.

*Make sure you subscribe to the blog so you’re updated each day when I release another one. If you know someone in need, please share this with them. Also, submit your question to inbox@tonygaskins.com

The Love of My Life…

It could be a million dates, a million love notes, and a million dollars in gifts but nothing physical can truly express my love; because this is spiritual. This is divine. This is Heaven-sent. My woman loved me before I had a dime to my name. Before I had a name to my name. She saw me at my core. My character and my dreams were my currency. My pockets were empty but my mind and heart were full. She saw that and saw something no one else could see. She had to see the Vision with me. She had to speak life into me. She had to believe even when I didn’t believe. She never settled. She gave me some time to get it together but she didn’t let me get complacent. She never compromised her standards. She never forgot her self-worth. Her knowing herself and what she wanted from life helped me become a better man. A man does not become a real man without a real woman by his side; contrary to popular belief. A man’s rite of passage is to love a woman with all his heart, be 100% faithful, and to treat her the way God treats her. I wrote a book on this love. Imperfectly perfect. Flaws make it worth it. Growth is the only option. Getting better every day. When society goes left, we’re going right. Our standards for love are getting higher, not lower. Don’t get comfortable! Love harder! Love deeper! You’re reading words but they fall infinitely short of this love. We’ll never be able to fully define God or anything He’s created. I believe in God and I believe in Love. I wouldn’t lie on love. Love is just that real. I hate they’ve reduced it to a day, but I love like this 365. Most other days our love is private but because this is the day of public love I just wanted to let you know that God sent me a Real One! I’m thankful for this love. Always a work in progress but I wouldn’t trade that work for the world. Let Love, love you! I love you @SheriGaskins 

Lust runs out…

If you look in the news you’ll see a celebrity break-up about every week. With so many of these relationships, we put them on a pedestal. We aspire to have a love that looks like a magazine cover. We don’t often consider the work it takes to make a relationship work. I once heard a gentleman say, love has an expiration date. I later realized that he’d never experienced real love. Because once you have real love you realize that it doesn’t leave. It gets stronger with time. Do you stop loving your child? No, because once you love your child, you love them forever. It’s real love. There are different types of love of course, but love is still love. Love is strong and it doesn’t have an expiration date.

On the other hand, lust does. Lust is burning hot in the beginning but if there’s no substance in the relationship the lust will sizzle out. We see so many couples start out on fire and then before you know it the flame is gone. Love takes work. Love is deeper than lust. It’s the next level. Lust has to evolve into love in order to be sustained. You can lust for someone you love but love has to be there even if the lust leaves. There comes a time when sex isn’t as needed but what is needed is real love.

What I want you to understand is that if you lost a relationship, you didn’t lose real love. That was lust that ran out. Surely you could have loved that person, but that doesn’t mean they loved you in return. If you’ve ever truly loved then you know you never stop loving. Love and relationships aren’t always synonymous. So when you see relationships fall apart don’t lose hope in love. Love is still standing and it’s very real!

Blessings,

Tony A. Gaskins Jr.

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